


potty like a rock star

by evotter



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Tumblr Prompts, also there isnt as much jily as i'd like but this is hilarious anyhow, but its quite good, i dont know what this is, i love sirius & lily friendship and will defend that until i die too, i took this prompt and turned it inside out and wrote it, plz readddd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 11:56:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17849006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evotter/pseuds/evotter
Summary: It's all Marlene's fault, really.She's the one that made Lily chug her hot chocolate in less than a minute. It not only made Lily’s chest burn for a solid five minutes, but it went right through her digestive system and was quite literally on the verge of making Lily Evans piss her pants in Slughorn’s lecture right at this very moment.prompt on tumblr: "someone wrote i'm cute in the bathroom stall and your notes match the handwriting" AU





	potty like a rock star

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thatsmyverb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsmyverb/gifts).



> i was given this prompt on tumblr and i could have made it fluffy and cute and just pure jily but instead i decided to make it funny and so weird and silly. (get it. cause sirius/lily brotp is sily. but like. silly. haha. im funny.)
> 
> plz enjoy ! thank u

****It’s all Marlene’s fault, really.

She’s the one that made Lily chug her hot chocolate in less than a minute. It not only made Lily’s chest burn for a solid five minutes, but it went right through her digestive system and was quite literally on the verge of making Lily Evans piss her pants in Slughorn’s lecture right at this very moment.

And the shit-eating grin on her best friend’s face does _not_ go unnoticed as Lily bursts up from her seat and makes a beeline for the door.

She’s going to kill Marlene one of these days. It’s a promise. Marlene’s been hanging around James Potter and his dumb friends ever since she partnered with him on that project in Flitwick’s when Lily took pity on Benjy Fenwick and said yes when he asked to work with her.

(Worst mistake of Lily’s life, by the way. Because not only did it give Marlene an affliction towards pranks, but it gave Benjy Fenwick an invented excuse to text her regularly about updates in his life. He was almost as bad as Severus. _Almost.)_

So this is the predicament Lily is in: making it to the toilets with probably five seconds to spare, the sound of Marlene’s laughter ringing in her ears, and the promise to murder her best friend in the upcoming weeks.

Oh, and there’s the writing on the wall.

Wait.

The _what?!_

Lily squints. Her eyesight’s getting kind of shit lately, but she doesn’t know if that’s because she’s going to need glasses soon or because she’s normally too tired to see most things clearly. There’s a message written on the bathroom stall in permanent marker by handwriting that looks foreign yet familiar.

Well, there are a lot of messages written on the bathroom stall in permanent marker, but this one’s got her bloody _name_ in it. Not just that; the message itself is _about her._

 _evans is EXTREMELY fit,_ it reads, in horrible grammar for a handwritten message. _if ur reading this, date me i’m desperate_

She has a feeling Marlene’s got her stupid hands all over this one.

=

“How was the wee?” Marlene asks, being decent enough to whisper as Lily slides into her seat beside her.

“Fuck off,” Lily answers, and thankfully Slughorn sneezes at the same time Marlene cackles.

=

She leaves the lecture hall without saying a word. She’s not going to give Marlene the satisfaction of it, really. Not that Lily is convinced that Marlene had something to do with it. But she pretty much is.

Lily’s got Flitwick’s next. She stops at her locker to put Slughorn’s textbook away and sighs, shutting it quickly. In front of her is Marlene, leaning against the locker beside Lily’s, a triumphant smile on her mouth. “So?” she prompts, as Lily rolls her eyes.

“I don’t know what more you want from me, Marlene.” Lily answers, shouldering her backpack. “D’you get off on humiliating me?”

“Only sometimes.” Marlene says, her smile widening. “You know I love you.”

“You love making fun of me.” she corrects, following Marlene down the hallway toward Flitwick’s classroom.

“Both statements are true.” the blonde replies, waving at Alice Fortescue as they pass her in the hall. “Anyway, back to the toilets.”

“Talking dirty, are we?” Lily hums.

“Amusing, Evans.” Marlene mutters. “I _mean_ the message in the stall.”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” she bumps her shoulder into Lily’s. “I have it on quite good authority that someone wrote a message with your name on it.”

“Could that someone be you, McKinnon?”

“You know what my handwriting looks like.” Marlene points out. Lily sighs. She’s got a point. “But if you ask, I won’t be telling you who it was.”

Lily stops right outside Flitwick’s room and grabs Marlene’s arm to stall her, raising her eyebrows. “So you made me chug hot chocolate and nearly piss my pants so that I would _happen_ to run to a specific toilet stall and _happen_ to see a message written about me on the stall door?”

Marlene’s smile is sheepish. “Maybe. But that message is written in more than one place.”

“You’re _kidding_ me.”

“Nope.”

Lily groans. “You really are awful, Marls.”

“Oh, you don’t mean that.”

“No, I do. I _definitely_ do.”

Marlene just laughs. She throws her head back, eyes closed, and when she eventually composes herself, her eyes focus on something just behind Lily’s shoulder. And then, almost like magic, Lily can feel the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, like some kind of sixth sense.

And then—

“All right, Evans?”

Potter.

Lily spins on her heel. James Potter stands rather close to her—too close, according to the way her heart quickens in her chest—with his hand buried in his hair, glasses askew on his nose. He flashes a grin right at her. “Heard you nearly pissed yourself in Slughorn’s today.”

“Is that the rumor?” she asks, trying to keep her voice even. She crosses her arms.

“Oh, so it’s a rumor?”

“If I say it is.”

He grins again. “Sure,” he answers, mussing up his hair even worse. In all the years Lily Evans has known him, she’s pretty sure his hair has never had a good day. “It’s just a rumor if you say it is. See you in class.”

Once he’s gone, Marlene laughs again.

“I absolutely fucking hate you.” Lily says vehemently.

Marlene just beams. She kisses Lily’s cheek and tosses her arm around Lily’s shoulder. “Love you too, Lils.”

=

It’s not until later through Flitwick’s class that Lily realizes she’s zoned out of half the lecture. Again, this is something she solely blames on Marlene, who is sat to her right, and has been whispering with Remus Lupin nearly the entire time.

“Oi, Black.” Lily says, tapping his shoulder with her pencil. Sirius Black turns in his chair, staring at her with a raised eyebrow. “Did you take notes?”

He just blinks. “Did you just ask me if I took notes?”

“On the _off chance_ you did,” she continues, ignoring his comment, because _really_ , if Lily did not have to talk to Sirius Black she definitely wouldn’t, “can I see them and take a picture? I haven’t been paying attention and this is, like, my worst class.”

Sirius looks a little surprised and a little amused. “Gee, Evans,” he says, “I dunno. What will you give me if I let you take a photo?”

“I’ll let you keep your dick intact.” Lily says pleasantly. “Severus Snape’s an arsehole, but he knows how to teach a girl to kick a guy in the balls.”

“You don’t scare me, Evans.”

“Just give me your fucking notes, Black.”

“Fine! Fine.” Sirius hands her his notebook with a roll of his eyes. “Marlene wasn’t kidding about you. All you had to say was _please.”_

“Cheers.” Lily says dryly, waiting for Flitwick to turn back to the board before she takes a photo of Sirius’s notes. She stares at her screen to make sure the notes are clear in the photo when she realizes something that makes her heart fall to her stomach (and kind of makes her want to puke). “Hey, Sirius?”

“Hm?” Sirius asks, snatching his notebook back from her desk.

“Have you been writing notes in the girls’ toilets recently?”

That gets him. He freezes, notebook in the air, eyes widening as Lily looks from her phone to his face. “Er,” he says. “I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Come off it.” Lily says, a little irritated. “I saw the message in the toilets last period. ‘Evans is extremely fit, if you’re reading this, date me, I’m desperate’?”

“No idea what you’re talking about.” Sirius repeats. “Though you just confirmed it’s true you nearly pissed yourself in Slughorn’s.”

“Tell everyone I did, then,” Lily answers. “But I _know_ you wrote that message. Your bloody handwriting’s the same as what was on the stall.”

“You’re barmy, you know that?”

“I’m not wrong.” she insists. Her heart sinks lower. “Fucking—Black, does that mean you—”

He’s saved by the bell. The moment it rings, dismissing them from Flitwick’s lecture, Sirius is quick to shoot up in his seat, tossing his backpack over his shoulder. He’s out of the classroom before Lily can even process what the fuck just happened.

In his haste, he’s forgotten his notebook.

Lily sighs. Marlene is unaffected, or she hasn’t even noticed Lily’s latest revelation. But this makes Lily’s life a whole lot more complicated. Like, sure, Sirius Black is fit and all, but he’s not her type. The idea of dating him kind of makes her want to vomit. Besides, if she were to date any of the boys in their little friend group—

Oh. Nope. She’s not going there. Not even going to think about it.

Lily shoves Sirius’s notebook into her bag and follows the rest of the class out. It’s her last class of the day, so she supposes she’ll have to hold onto Sirius’s notebook until McGonagall’s tomorrow. This is a clusterfuck of a situation, really. She’s not super close to Remus, but she wonders if he’d tell her the truth if she texted him about the situation. Because she’s really not about to tell Marlene. She’s got a feeling that Marlene already knows and will probably tease the shit out of her, which Lily’s really not in the mood for.

So she sighs and heads to her locker. She shoves her textbook into it and grabs her jacket, draping it over her arm while she slams it shut. She can feel someone’s eyes on her, but she’s not sure who it is. There are too many people in the hallway for Lily to focus.

She walks out of the building through the nearest door.

(What she doesn’t realize: it was James Potter staring at her until the moment she was out of his sight.)

=

 **[text from: unknown]** **we need to talk.**

_[text to: unknown] this is oddly cryptic and i’m 90% sure i’m going to be murdered if i agree so i’m gonna say no thank u_

**[text from: unknown] what???** ****  
**[text from: unknown] jfc no** **  
** **[text from: unknown] this is sirius u idiot**

 _[text to: unknown] oh_ _  
_ _[text to: unknown] hey black whats up dude_

 **[text from: unknown] are u telling me you dont have my number saved in ur phone??????** **  
** **[text from: unknown] i’m absolutely hurt**

 _[text to: unknown] we have literally never exchanged numbers b4_ _  
_ _[text to: unknown] how tf do u have my number anyway???_

 **[text from: unknown] got it from remus** **  
** **[text from: unknown] ur not even gonna save my number are you**

 _[text to: unknown] shoulda known, the traitor. was gonna guess marlene but whatever_  
_[text to: unknown] no why would i do that_   
_[text to: unknown] that requires 2 much effort that i Do Not Have_

 **[text from: unknown] fair** ****  
**[text from: unknown] meet at james’s cafe in 30???** **  
** **[text from: unknown] i’ll pay for ur coffee**

 _  
_ _[text to: unknown] i dont drink coffee u idiot_

 **[text from: unknown] jeez sry i dont pay attention to ur every life detail evans** **  
** **[text from: unknown] see u there**

 _[text to: unknown] ugh_ _  
_ _[text to: unknown] fine whatever_

=

Sirius Black is sitting in a booth when Lily arrives at the cafe owned by James Potter’s family. He looks up when she gets there and gestures to the empty seat across from him.

“Did you bring it?” he asks, voice low.

Lily snorts. She tosses his notebook on the table. “You’re painfully overdramatic, did you know?”

“Duh. It’s part of my persona.” he grabs it and sets it on the seat beside him. “Thanks, by the way. Tonight’s one of the only nights I’m ever going to study in my life.”

“That I find easy to believe.” Lily sits across from him. A mug has been placed on her side of the table, still steaming with whipped cream on the top of it. “What’s this?”

“Hot chocolate,” answers Sirius. “Whipped cream. Peppermint.”

She raises an eyebrow. “You don’t pay attention to my every life detail, huh?”

He clears his throat and manages to look mildly embarrassed. “I, er, didn’t order that for you.”

“Sure.”

“I _didn’t,”_ he insists.

“Just like you _didn’t_ write the message in the toilets?”

Sirius sighs. He rubs his forehead with one hand. “You’re painfully obnoxious, did you know?” he mimics.

“I try to be.” Lily says cheerfully. When he lowers his hand, she adds, “Look, Sirius—I’m...awfully flattered, but—”

“Please _do not_ say what I think you’re going to say.” he interrupts.

“This is as awkward for me as it is for you.” Lily tells him. She laces her fingers together around her mug of hot chocolate. “But I have to say it.”

“Evans—”

“I’m not interested in you in that way.” she bites out. The words feel sour on her tongue. She wonders how disgusted Snape would be, but also thinks how funny it’d be if he found out she was dating one of his worst enemies. Fortunately enough, Lily’s got enough dignity to refrain from fake dating someone just for satisfaction of hurting someone else. Plus, she wouldn’t do that to Sirius. Jeez, what has her life become? “I’d love to be friends, like, _real_ friends, if you want, but...God, I don’t mean to friendzone you in that way, or whatever, but—”

“I didn’t write that fucking message, Evans!” Sirius interrupts. His outburst makes some of the other customers look at him in surprise. Even Peter Pettigrew, who is at the register, looks over at them.

Lily stares at him. “It’s your handwriting, Black. I double checked.”

“Okay, _yes,_ I wrote the message.” he breathes. “But I didn’t _write the message.”_

“...You lost me there.”

“I wrote it as a joke.” Sirius admits.

Something pokes at Lily’s heart, hot and sharp. “I see,” she says, voice hardening. “I’m just a joke, am I?”

“Can you let me finish my story before you bite my fucking head off?” Sirius retorts, rolling his eyes at her. Lily sips her hot chocolate and ignores the way it burns as it slides down her throat. “I wrote the message as a joke, because one of my friends happens to fancy you a lot, and I wondered if you read it, you could guess who it was. It was Marlene’s idea, really.”

“Fucking Marlene.” Lily mutters.

“I’m not interested in you in that way, either.” he tells her, spreading his hands on the table. “And I’ll tell you who fancies you, because I’m tired of listening to him mope around about you. Christ, this whole thing has been so annoying.”

“I called it a clusterfuck.” she says helpfully.

“That’s exactly what it is.” Sirius leans back against the booth and sighs. “But you _cannot_ tell him that I told you, right? I shouldn’t even be betraying his trust like this.”

“Then don’t.” Lily says.

He eyes her. “What are you on about?”

“Don’t tell me who it is.” she reasons. “I’ll ask Marlene, or figure it out later. Why would you tell me when you probably shouldn’t?”

“I just want to see him happy.” Sirius says. The honesty in his tone makes Lily’s breath catch in her throat. “And based on what Marlene’s said, I mean...I dunno, I feel like you might feel the same way about him.”

Lily breathes in and out. She takes another sip of her hot chocolate, eyeing Sirius over her mug. He’s watching her, waiting for her response, which she gives after she sets her mug down on the table.

“It’s Potter, isn’t it?”

Sirius says nothing.

Lily won’t lie; she’s thought about it. Thought enough about it that it kind of makes her heart beat faster when she does. James Potter is the boy wonder of Hogwarts; his parents have made quite a name for themselves, since his dad’s been inventing hair care products since James was in diapers. The cafe she’s sitting in with Sirius Black is proof of how successful his parents are. And James is no different. Lily’s seen him play football, and she knows he’s excelling in classes even if he appears to slack off with his friends.

Not to mention he’s, like, incredibly fit, and Lily has definitely had a dream or two about him and what he could do with those hands he’s always running through his stupid fucking hair.

“Does he have it bad?” Lily asks, watching Sirius’s face intently.

Sirius grimaces. “A bit,” he answers. “So if you’re in the business of breaking my best mate’s heart, I’d like to tell you to kindly fuck off.”

“I’m not,” says Lily, a bit too quickly. “In that business, I mean. I’m definitely not as far gone as he probably is, but I wouldn’t say no, if he asked.”

He looks surprised. “Really?”

“Really.” she confirms. Her heart’s beating fast in her chest and she wonders if Sirius can hear how vulnerable she’s being. “Marlene’s going to laugh her ass off at me for saying that.”

“Oh, she’s going to be doing more than that.” Sirius rests his elbows on the table. “We made a bet.”

“Of course you did.”

“She wins, technically.”

“Is James in on it?”

“Nope.” Sirius answers. “Honestly, he’s got no idea we’re in the business of matchmaking. I don’t think he knows about the message in the bathroom, either.”

“You think he’s gonna kill you when he finds out?”

“What makes you think he’ll find out?”

“Well,” says Lily, lifting her mug again, “if you tell Potter how I feel, and he acts on it, and I become his girlfriend, I can hardly keep secrets from him, can I?”

Sirius stares at her while she sips her hot chocolate. “The two of you will be the absolute worst couple,” he says with certainty. “The best, for sure, but also the worst.”

“Love that for us.” Lily says simply, setting her mug down. “So...are you going to tell him, or should I?”

=

Lily Evans approaches James Potter at his locker later during school the next day. He looks extremely surprised to see her; he jumps when he shuts his locker and sees her standing there, one hand on her backpack strap, the other on her hip.

“Hey, Potter,” she says, trying to keep her voice even. Her heart, once again, is beating quick in her chest. She knows Sirius is trying his hardest not to watch them from where his locker is, but he’s failing miserably. She can see Peter Pettigrew filming the two of them from beside Sirius. “You free on Friday?”

“Er,” says James. He looks around, like he’s looking for some sort of camera or something. “Yeah? I am?”

“Cool,” Lily says. “D’you want to go out?”

“Er.” he says again. “Am I being pranked?”

“You were.” she answers. His eyes bug a bit behind his glasses. “But at the moment, you are not.”

“I am extremely confused.” James decides.

“Well.” Lily says, leaning against the lockers. “It all started when Marlene made me chug a hot chocolate so quickly that I nearly pissed my pants in Slughorn’s lecture yesterday…”

**Author's Note:**

> if yall know anything about me u KNOW how much i love validation soooooooooooo (in the style of extreme makeover home edition) READER! DROP! THAT! COMMENT!


End file.
